Do you struggle to listen when conversing with people? Maybe you find that you are thinking about what you will say next or why did you say the other thing you already said, and how this person may think you are stupid.
These are two different ways people miss out on the present experience (conversation) going on in front of them while they are stuck in the past (what they already said) or the future (what they will say next). Both places you cannot control the outcome of: the past – you’ve already said it and the conversation has moved on. Future – you cannot possibly know if what you are planning to say next will even make sense in the trajectory of the conversation because conversations are give and take. While stuck in these two places in your head, you are missing out on the present – which is the conversation happening in front of you AND you can actually control, by contributing to the conversation.
Guess what? If you said something stupid, well you can’t unsay it, so why fixate on it. Also while you are spending time thinking about what you already said, you will be missing out on what they are currently saying which essentially means that you will say more stupid things because you are not paying attention.
The simple solution is to just listen and be present in the conversation. The other person will tell you what to say next based on what they say. So Just listen and be present.
Question: How do you listen and be present? The simple tip I use to listen when my patients are speaking is to repeat what the person is saying with my inner voice. We have an internal voice and an external voice. We think in our internal voice. Have you ever been thinking or trying to concentrate on something but there is a lot of noise going on? So you have to turn down the volume, shush whoever is making the noise, or leave the room? That is because your internal voice is talking to you and you can’t listen to it if you are also receiving input from outside stimuli. So you either leave the room/ turn down the volume or you stop trying to think in your head and give your attention to the external input.
So how do we use this knowledge to our advantage when conversing with people?
Use your internal voice to repeat what the person is saying. You can repeat everything they say word for word if you like. Or you can pick keywords that stand out to you and repeat them. Or you can repeat the last 2-3 words they say towards the end of each statement. Either way, you want to be quick with it to keep up with what they are saying. Keep in mind that you do not want to fixate on repeating it accurately in your head because then you will be stuck in your head again, repeating what has already been said. The whole point is to listen and understand the words they are speaking. When you listen and understand what has been said, it is easy to figure out what to say next. And sometimes you don’t know what to say next in which case it is ok to just say “Man, I’m not even sure what to say about that” or a variation of that.
Of course, as with all new skills, it will feel awkward when you try to implement this but give it a shot. Be intentional with your effort and don’t give up if your mind strays. With repeated practice, you will get better over time in listening and being present in conversations.
In the next blog post, I will go over how to use this tip to decrease anxiety before a speech/talk/presentation.